The Beginning

It's been a little while since we got the news, but it seems I'm just now comfortable enough to let the world know.
I got pregnant in August of 2010 - i was 21 at the time, almost 22. I was living with my boyfriend of 6 years in our first apartment. We weren't trying, and shock was pretty much the only thing we felt for days. We were in the process of buying a house, how was this going to change that? What would my parents think of me getting pregnant before marriage? What would my boss think? Could we afford it? Not that it made any difference, termination was never an option, I'm about as "pro-life" as they come, a child is a child is a child, and i am no murderer. Harsh words for some people, but it's what I believe and I'm not ashamed.

It took maybe a month or so for us to start getting excited. We were going to have a baby! We decided to get married, it wasn't the most romantic engagement, but we had been together so long and we knew we wanted to get married, this was just the icing on the cake. We started planning the wedding and letting family know about the baby - i was worried about letting the cat out of the bag so soon but we were so excited. I ended up at my first prenatal appointment 5 days early in excruciating pain. They were thinking ectopic pregnancy so I got my first ultrasound before 8 weeks, and what a perfect picture it was! It was love at first sight, despite the labor pain equivalent i was in at the moment. Well it wasn't ectopic pregnancy obviously, but what it was was more painful - kidney stone.

At 12 weeks i had another ultrasound, this one was for our "FirstScreen". They measured the nuchal translucency and used the measurement along with my blood sample to give me a picture on where my baby stood in his chances for having a chromosome disorder. We were told our nuchal measurement was 1.2mm, my doctor informed me that if he were to pick a perfect measurement for a baby's nuchal translucency, it would be 1.2mm. We were ecstatic, our baby was the picture of perfect health. We weren't given the results of the FirstScreen until a few visits later, but found out the chances of our baby having a chromosome disorder was less than 1 in 10,000 - perfect.

We got married on November 27, 2010. I was 22 and my husband was 23. I was about 16.5 weeks pregnant. Everyone was so nice and all of our family told us how excited they were about the baby. We were truly blessed to have everyone's support. Our wedding was beautiful, not without a few problems - but isn't that good luck? I married my best friend, first love and father of my child that day - i couldn't have asked for anything more.

We counted down the days till our 20 week appointment. For us it was actually 19 weeks and 2 days. We couldn't WAIT to find out the gender. I knew it was a girl, it was a gut feeling I had the entire pregnancy, everyone told me it was a girl - i just knew it.  My husband said it was a boy, of course! Our hearts were racing as we waited for the ultrasound tech to put the wand on my belly. Our baby's heart was racing too, we could see it clear as day going strong! The first pictures we viewed were 3D. We saw a beautiful face complete with cute button nose, perfect eyes and lips. Further down we saw a suspicious looking body part that even I knew would be very interesting to find on a baby girl. Our ultrasound tech pointed to the part and said something along the lines of "I think we know what this means, did you want to find out the sex?". We nodded our heads vigorously, but we already knew - i was carrying our son! We chuckled at her comments on how our little boy was stubborn and she was having  hard time getting measurements of his head, must take after his Daddy! She got all of the measurments she needed besides the head, it was just too low. She ended up going in with the transvaginal wand to get a better look at his head. The atmosphere in the room changed at that point. I had no idea what she was seeing, and I didn't really care, but looking back now I know I should have been worried. She finished, said she would give the reports to the doctor and come get us from the waiting room. We admired all of our beautiful print outs while we waited - for an unusually long time. Finally the nurse came and got us. We waited in the exam room for the doctor who never came - he was in surgery that day. We ended up with his nurse. She came in, greeted us, and proceeded to explain that something was wrong on our ultrasound. Something was "not right" with our son. I entered into a kind of dream world at that point, i knew i would wake up any moment. I knew she would laugh and say "just kidding"! She didn't. In the most dramatic and over the top manner she told us that it appeared that half of our son's brain was filled with fluid and therefore had not developed properly and looked like the wrong shape on the ultrasound. She called the condition "hydrocephalus" and said our son may not make it to full term. She had set us up with a Maternal Fetal doctor across the street, and she walked us over, both of us crying our eyes out.
The ultrasound tech at the new doctor's office was going to take another scan. She asked us if we wanted the screen off so we didn't see him. I couldn't believe it. "No, i want to see" I told her in between sobs. What could be so terrible that I wouldn't want to see? My hope was draining away from my body. She took some 3D scans and kept commenting on his cute fingers, it sure didn't seem to me like she was talking about a baby with a death sentence. Out of this visit I got what became my favorite picture of my son to date. He couldn't have looked more perfect.

The doctor came in. The very young doctor. He explained while he looked at the pictures the tech had taken, that our son had a "neural tube defect". This clicked in my mind - i remember a screening test i had taken at 16 weeks, the AFP test, they told me my results were normal and this meant my son didn't have what they called a "neural tube defect". I guess they were wrong. I knew nothing about these defects, but he explained that they were the most common defects in babies. It meant he had a lesion somewhere on his spine that had not closed properly. He showed me a picture, but for the life of me i couldn't see what he was talking about. He explained that the "hydrocephalus" was common in babies with neural tube defects. Then I was asked if I had any questions. I could barely breathe at this point let alone formulate a coherent thought - my mother saved me. She had arrived mid second ultrasound after I had called her balling. She asked, "is it something like Spina Bifida?" too which he replied "that's exactly what it is". They could have been talking Swahili for all i understood. I was scheduled for a follow up with him two weeks later and an amnio. I never went.

After days of crying, after making phone calls to explain what we didn't understand ourselves, we were barely functioning. I made a second opinion ultrasound appointment with a Perinatologist that my doctor recommended. I got an appointment 5 days after the initial ultrasound, at exactly 20 weeks pregnant. This doctor literally saved me. My mom sat with me during yet another ultrasound scan, my husband was unable to get off work. The technician cheerfully measured him and said all was perfect. I could feel myself slowly coming out of the abyss i had been drowning in, and it got better. As i sat staring stupidly at the print out she had given me of his little foot, the doctor came in. He started moving the wand around on my belly and matter of factly pointed out the lesion, which was actually a fluid filled cyst on his lower back and BOY was it obvious! I couldn't believe i had missed it at the other ultrasound. He then measured my son's lateral ventricles in his brain, the "undeveloped brain" according to my OB/GYN nurse. Yes they were dilated he said, about 11mm on one side and 13 on the other - anything over 10 he said is too much. Then he proceeded to actually explain to me what all of this mumbo-jumbo meant. Would my son be retarded? Not likely, hydrocephalus is common in Spina Bifida babies and most have perfectly normal functioning brains. His legion is low, sacral area. Is this good news? Yes, the lower the better - the more likely he will be able to move without assistance. Will he have any other problems? Sure, most commonly bowel/bladder incontinence because of where the damaged nerves are. Should I get an amnio? I am against most things that put my babies life at risk. ABSOLUTELY not he said. He is against any amnio that puts a baby's life at risk when the baby is otherwise perfectly healthy. He is perfectly healthy??!!! Of course, other than the lesion and the extra fluid in his ventricles, you have a perfect baby boy.

I wanted to kiss this man. He had given me back my reason for living. He had given me back my son. Once again I knew I would be holding my miracle in my arms in just a few short weeks. That is a gift that you can't put a price on.

We decided on a baby name a couple days later, Chance.

Perfect.